he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
