So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Michael Bay diarrhea
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
