Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
