I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
