Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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