i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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