i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
