my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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