Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You smell like stripper and shame
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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