I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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