Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
