My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
