you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Randomize
