The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
