Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
