i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
