Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
and you fell through a lawn chair
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
