The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
