Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
