Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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