ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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