Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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