Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
