We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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