Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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