she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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