I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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