if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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