My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
