The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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