I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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