he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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