I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
