I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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