Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
