mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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