I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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