I wish i was in the wii world.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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