I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
