I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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