I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
