My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Randomize
