You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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