i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
