I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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