The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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