Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
