weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
