My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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