I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
