I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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