You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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