the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
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