I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
