I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
