K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Randomize
