So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
